For much of my adult life, I would have characterized myself as a creature of habit. A self-proclaimed homebody, and someone who thrives within a structured schedule. I think this occurred when I emerged from the chaos of college, coupled with the tumultuous time period of my early twenties, and I nestled into the neat and tidy routine of starting my corporate career. The transition into the “real world” not only reduced my anxiety, but also made me feel like a more responsible human being. Ironically, as I have found my way into motherhood, with a toddler and baby on the way – a season of life that necessitates routine for the most part – I find myself rebelling against it. When the days can often feel repetitive and mundane, in all of their predictable glory, I crave novelty, spontaneity, and flexible flow. However, the latter often feels out of reach, with less freedom in my day’s design, which can leave me feeling stuck.
“Feeling stuck in a rut as a mom is incredibly common, especially when the children are not yet in grade school. Part of the issue is that moms, whether consciously aware or not, see the benefits of structure in routine and how it helps keep their children regulated. This creates a cycle where, even if a mom wants to change things up, she ends up feeling it won’t be worth it,” explains Rachel Goldberg, Licensed Perinatal, Infertility & Eating Disorder Therapist at Rachel Goldberg Therapy. So if you are feeling stuck, it’s important to realize you are not alone. This begs the question: as moms in the early child-rearing chapters of life, how can we work with what we’ve got? In other words, how can we incorporate small action steps that offer a taste of freedom from routine within the constraints of feedings, naps, baths and bed time? Here are six simple ways to feel unstuck, whether you are a parent or a professional (or both!) craving change.
Face the rut head-on
I love looking at emotions as information. It was a major “aha moment” for me when I realized emotions – just like physiological symptoms – are signals trying to tell me something. “It might sound counterintuitive, but allow yourself some time to truly feel the rut. Ask yourself, ‘What is this rut trying to tell me?’ It could be a sign that you need more rest, or that you need to let go of certain expectations. Whether it’s the strict demands of motherhood, or the monotony of a job, understanding the message behind the rut can help you address the root cause,” says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, and founder of Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy. Getting to the root of why you are feeling stuck in a rut is key to avoid other unhealthy coping mechanisms or ignoring the issue altogether. Turning towards the discomfort can provide clarity and a foundation for change, no matter if the change(s) need to be big or small.
Start with small changes
In the late fall of 2023, my rut seemed to have reached its deepest groove. I found myself researching graduate school programs, thinking that getting another degree was the answer to my malaise. I was craving a change, a fresh chapter, a challenge, and my mind swung me to an extreme end of the spectrum. After a lot of reflection, I finally realized going to graduate school was not what I needed to feel more fulfilled; in fact, I could achieve what I was looking for in a less time-consuming (and costly) way. “Moms should keep in mind that there is power in small changes. Believing that getting out of their rut requires becoming an Instagram influencer or going back to school and getting a new career is sabotaging the potential to make some, even if minimal for the time being, improvements. Small changes can provide a mom with a renewed sense of control, increasing her chances of continuing to make more changes,” Goldberg says. It’s empowering to know that we are more in control than we think we are. After I decided not to pursue the grad school path, I gained some clarity on what I was looking for, and reframed it as how I wanted to feel on a daily basis. There were smaller steps I could take to achieve more of that feeling in my life, without the need to make sweeping changes to my external circumstances. For example, in wanting to feel more accomplished and creative, I started podcasting again, writing more for my website, and even hired a media coach to get over some self-imposed blocks I had around my career. To foster my love of learning, I started to read books on topics in which I was interested. In wanting to connect more with adults, I set a goal to reach out to a friend once a week to make plans, or schedule a phone call catch-up. All of these things added up, and I felt a renewed sense of self I hadn’t felt in years.
Redefine your routine
Not only am I a creature of habit, but I can fall into the attachment trap of my routine. I get too attached to certain elements of my day, rarely veering off course, until I wake up with the dread that every day feels the same. “Redefine what your routine means to you. Allow flexibility in your day-to-day life. Small changes like a different route to work or even a change in daily tasks can bring a fresh perspective. These small changes can stimulate the brain’s reward centers (releasing dopamine) which helps improve mood and motivation. Our brains thrive on stimulation and variety!” suggests Groskopf. Recently, I challenged myself to step outside of the restraints of my regular routine. Starting my day with a walk on my favorite wooded trail, doing work at a coffee shop instead of my dining room table, planning a play date, or picking up dinner from a new restaurant are examples of how I have been trying to change things up.
Create novelty around your routine regulars
Nutrition and fitness will always be a part of my wellness routine, but that doesn’t mean what I eat and how I exercise have to stay the same. “Physical activity is also an amazing tool to help someone out of a rut. If possible, going to a class and bringing your child to a gym that has daycare would be ideal; however, even a brief walk or a 15-minute Zumba video can significantly boost her mood, energy, and stamina to venture away from her normal routine,” encourages Goldberg. Fitness is a lot of fun, especially when you try a completely new class, or use it as an opportunity to socialize instead of moving solo. The same thing can be said for your daily diet. When I feel stuck in a rut, with not a lot of wiggle room to venture outside of my schedule, I think about new foods I want to try or meals I would like to cook. It is what I love so much about traveling – the eclectic culinary experiences. Sometimes I will even think about places I have been or would like to visit, and then research recipes rooted in that culture. For example, my husband and I have been wanting to take a trip to South America ever since our planned trip to Peru in April 2020 got canceled, so we will pick a night to cook that cuisine. Or I will randomly select a city and look up restaurants to get inspired. I tend to be someone who eats the same thing every day, which makes the rut worse. Picking new foods after perusing juice bar menus in L.A., or seafood establishments in Miami, always brings new flavors and flare into my meals.
Carve out time to do something different
“One approach a mom can take is to find at least 30 minutes for herself (although ideally longer) each day to do something that is all about her. This does not mean running and taking a shower for the first time in a few days; this means going for a walk with a friend child-free, or engaging in a hobby such as painting” offers Goldberg. The distinction is making sure you are carving out time to do something different for yourself. Your regular workout or nightly skin-care routine doesn’t count in this regard. Exploring a new hobby or learning a new skill are good examples. “A mother could set aside 30 minutes each evening after putting her child(ren) to bed to work on her garden. The simple act of getting space away from demands and then watching her work progress and her plants grow can bring her a sense of accomplishment and give her something to look forward to each evening” Goldberg says. In other words, the activity is more experiential, encouraging a sense of flow, focus and feeling present. This is a great opportunity to think about what you loved to do when you were little (in terms of arts, crafts, or some other creative activity), and how you can do more of it as an adult.
Plan a weekly “Wild Card Wednesday”
For the first seven months of our son’s life, my husband and I operated within a tight schedule, staying close to home, and finding our footing as new parents. Then we took our son on his first flight trip to Florida, and we felt energized and inspired to add more spontaneity to our work week. We implemented “Wild Card Wednesdays,” which challenged us to break free from our routine as a family. With a blank deck of cards, and an overdue list of ideas, we wrote down family-friendly activities we could do each week. On Wednesday mornings, we would draw a card, and that would be our outing for the evening. From trying a new restaurant to having a picnic at the park, these experiences got us out of the house to do something different. Not only did these cards get us away from “witching hour,” but they helped to create beautiful bonding moments we will always remember. While Wild Card Wednesdays have currently gotten away from us, we still have the deck of cards we can bring out at any time. According to Dr. Alison Tarlow, Psy.D., and Licensed Clinical Psychologist at Boca Recovery Center, this is an example of having a micro-adventure: “Micro-adventures can be incorporated into our daily lives by taking small, impromptu excursions that will break your routine without requiring much time or money…[They] can help reset your thinking with new experiences and a host of perspectives to resurge mental health, and look at life from different views. Such small changes can make a huge difference in well-being and increase engagement and energy,” Tarlow explains. Having something like this scheduled – whether with your family or for a child-free date night – taps into the power of anticipation. It gives you an event to look forward to. Adding in the element of surprise (like choosing from a deck of cards) gives the experience a sense of spontaneity, which can get lost after having kids. Lastly, it encourages couples to get creative with new and inexpensive ideas right in their own hometown.
In conclusion
Whatever the reason(s) behind your rut, know that you are not alone. Experiencing periods of feeling stuck is natural. Know that your emotions are trying to tell you something, and it might be time for a change. If making a big pivot in a different direction – like going back to school, switching jobs, or moving to a new city – isn’t possible, start small. Take a step back, evaluate your habits, redefine your routine, and ask where you can incorporate novelty, flexibility, and a fresh perspective into your daily life. Get clear on how your own stories around the necessity of your schedule are holding you back, and where there is room to let go a little. You might find there is more freedom in allowing for more flow.
